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| Jason Ahn |
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killing time with gin and lime ... Jan. 26, 2004 - Monday --- Embarrassing childhood moment #872464 --- One of the most embarrassing moments of my life took place while I was learning how to work at the store. ... It was a sunny summer Sunday afternoon during the early 90s. ... I must've been 12 or something. ... I was behind the counter learning how to use the cash register and lottery machine. ... My mom was with me and she was giving me all the basic pointers and telling me what to say to be polite and serve the customers efficiently. ... I must've been working with my mom for about 30 minutes learning the basics. ... Up until that point, I didn't have a single customer. ... So in walks this old man. ... He walks to the pharmacy rack and starts to browse. ... My mom tells me that I can serve this man when he comes up to the counter. ... My first customer. ... So I'm a little nervous and preparing mentally for what I'm supposed to say and do. ... My mom's standing beside me. We decided that she'd do the bagging while I do the taking and cash transaction and stuff ... ... Now the old man was taking his time. ... He was at the pharmacy rack for a few minutes. Then at the magazine rack, then over to the drink fridges. ... Finally he gets everyting he's looking for and slowly walks up to the counter. ... I'm a little nervous, but smiling and standing tall, awaiting my very first customer while my mom looks on to see that I'm doing a good job. I don't know whether I wanted to laugh or cry when the old man put down a copy of "Naughty Neighbours" magazine accompanied by 3 packs of Trojan ribbed condoms. ... At first I just kind of stood there, in awe of the fact that the first thing I ever sold at the store was a porno mag and some condoms ... to a man that could've been my grandfather's great-grandfather ... while my MOM watched on trying hard to maintain a reassuring smile ... "Is that e-e-everything, sir?" ... ... The man nodded curtly, as if he'd done this every Friday and twice on Sundays. ... ... And then I drew a blank. ... All the things my mom had taught me just kinda went away. ... I pushed the wrong buttons on the register and kinda looked over at my mom while the register beeped loudly. ... She said we should switch and that I should start bagging the old man's "goods". ... My mom started putting in the prices and then told the man his total. ... At this point there was a short line behind the man waiting to buy their own stuff. ... ... I reached under the counter to pull out a plastic bag. ... Then I reached for the magazine, well aware of the fact that the cover had a picture of two trailer-park girls in a mock French kiss. ... I grabbed the magazine and tried to quickly shove it in the bag, But I missed the bag and the porno fell to the floor behind the counter. ... And there it was, the magazine was on the ground, opened up to a centrefold of a fat white-guy getting a blow-job from a fat black-girl wearing white lingerie. ... I was 12. ... Me and my mom both quickly reached down to pick up the magazine, almost racing eachother. ... I got to it first and slowly closed it, picked it up and gently placed it into the bag. ... All the while my mom's got this worried look on her face. ... Next I picked up the three boxes of condoms. ... I tried to hold all three in my hand while I held the plastic bag open ... But again, I dropped the condoms too. ... 1 pack fell in the bag, 1 fell on the counter, and 1 fell on the ground beside the man. ... The old man tried to bend over to get them, but he was having a hard time. ... The young lady behind him said: "Oh here let me help you" ... She reached down and picked up the pack and then said: "why here you .. .. um .. ... go ... ..." ... The old man thanked her, put the last 2 packs of condoms in his bag, adjusted his old-guy hat and then left the store as fast as he could. I looked over at my mom for a second. A bit lost and confused. ... She looked back at me with concern. ... We never spoke of that day or time again. "Can I help who's next?" she said, turning back towards the customers. Jan. 24, 2004 - Saturday --- What's cooler than being cool? --- Ice cold. ... ... This weather is stupid-cold. ... I have no other word for it. ... How cold, you ask? ... Well today I made a Projectile-Spit-Star. ... A Projectile-Spit-Star (herein known as PSS) is essentially frozen human saliva and can only be made in weather this stupidly cold. ... To make a PSS, all you do is spit on your jacket sleeve in sub-zero weather. ... Sometimes its nice to add a bit of phlegm or bits of food stuck inbetween your teeth. ... You wait for this spit to freeze on the jacket material. ... In cold enough weather, the freezing process takes about 10 seconds. ... When the spit is frozen, it will look a bit like frost. ... You then peel the spit off ... It will be completely solid and shaped like a very thin disc. ... And now the fun begins ... Gripping this disc carefully between two fingers, you can throw it at unsuspecting friends, children, dogs, or girls that find stuff like this "gross" ... ... On contact, the PSS will explode into a gazillion different pieces and leave little spit flakes everywhere. ... ... Throwing PSSs at girls is especially fun since girls can't retaliate: ... They don't know how to spit. :P ... Now who said winter couldn't be fun? ... For tomorrow's lesson we'll learn how to utilize yellow snow in a snow-ball fight. ... Jan. 21, 2004 - Wednesday --- 3:00 am ... Its cold outside --- When mid-January hits, you really can't start making new year's resolutions. ... The time has passed, the calendar has changed and all your whining about how horrible your life is and how much better you're gonna make it ... is just wasted breath. ... ... Unless, of course, you are of the black-haired and slanted eyes variety and celebrate the Lunar New Year. ... In which case you may go and start making some resolutions while you sip your Jasmine tea, get money for bowing in front of old people and watch colourful dragons parade on the street after a nice midnight luncheon at the 24 hour dim-sum palace. ... Nowhere in the Merriam-Webster definition of the word "resolution" is there even a hint of suggestion to cut back on drinks, stop smoking, refrain from drug-usage, slim your thighs, get in shape, do your homework, clean your room, go to church or patch things up with an ex bf/gf ... ... But maybe I'm just being picky. :) Its 3:00 am ... its cold outside ... ... And I tip my hat to the inventor of the furnace. ... God bless you, furnace-inventor. ... Jan. 20, 2004 - Tuesday --- yay ... more snow --- Y'know what's funny? ... Baseball and football games can get snowed-out. ... But apparently, so can downhill skiing. ... moo haha.
Do you guys ever get bored of my random writings about the (highly astute) observations that I make while working at the convenience store? ... I suppose the question is pointless, cause I'm still gonna tell you about them. ... so ha. Have you ever had a "Gobstopper" candy? ... I have. ... As a child I would binge-eat a pack in like 15 minutes. ... I'd suck on the outer shell for 30 seconds, then crunch my young teeth as hard as I could to crack the weakened shell. ... Then I'd chew away on the delicious powder centre, having likely chipped all my molars from breaking what are supposed to be jaw-breakers. ... ... I liked the purple ones the best. ... Then one year Will Wonka (the Gobstopper candy manufacturer) got sexy and released CHEWY Gobstoppers. ... I was in jaw-breaker heaven when I found out about em. ... Not only did the chewy ones have a gum-like centre with delicious, chewy texture ... the outer shell was also thinner. ... Which meant I could crack the suckers into tiny pieces with a single chomp. ... No sucking needed. ... Anyway ... I digress. ... ... So I was in the store the other day and I thought about why good ol' Willy would call the candy "Gobstopper" ... ... If we break down the name itself, we find it is really composed of two adjoined words: "gob" and "stopper" ... ... right. Now any spit-ball-making, booger-picking, fart-ripping grade 4 kid can tell you that "gob" is really just slang for "spit" or saliva. ... And of course we all know what "stopper" means. ... Now here's where the name gets confusing. ... When you actually put a Gobstopper in your mouth, you'll notice a significant build up of EXCESS saliva. Needless to say the colour of this syrupy saliva takes on the colour of the Gobstopper you are sucking. ... Do you see where I'm going here? ... Gobstopper candy doesn't STOP GOB. ... Gobstoppers cause one to salivate profusely; Gobstoppers START gob. ... If Willy Wonka wants to start marketing convincing candy, he has to start by changing the name to GobSTARTER. ... ... Tune in next time when we discuss why Willy Wonka decided to call one of his most popular candy "Nerds" ... ... Jan. 16, 2004 - Friday --- strange week--- Some weeks go by like every other week. ... And some weeks come at you like a train running over a bunny rabbit. ...
undeniable fact: Jan. 08, 2004 - Thursday The world needs more powerful Neo-Citrin. ... |
| Jason Ahn |