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I cuss ... you cuss ... we all cuss ... ... for asparagus!

April 26, 2005 - Tuesday

--- Upside down ---

This post is going to cover both ends of the vice-virtue spectrum. ...

First, the vice. ... A website that addresses yesterday's question about jerking off in the inverted position:
Upside Down

And now the virtue ... ... Proof that there are still good people in the world:
Benedict XVI

Time to sleep.

April 24, 2005 - Sunday

--- Downside up ---

So I went to Chicago last weekend and had an interesting enough time. I'm too lazy to write about it right now, but pictures and stories are on their way.

...

A question was posed to me earlier today. ... "What would it be like to masturbate upside down?" ... ... I wonder if it's ever been done. I wonder what the experience would be like ... I wonder if I could google it and find something curious about it ...

I wonder how bad a mess it would be. ... ... I suppose that all depends on whether you're a guy or a girl?

April 13, 2005 - Wednesday

--- Luke Gaywalker ---

A long time ago in a galaxy far away ... I watched the original Star Wars trilogy a gazillion times. ... And I remember as a kid, I always wanted to be Han Solo. ... Come to think of it ... EVERY boy wanted to be Han Solo. ... So why didn't anyone want to be Luke Skywalker? ... After all, he knew the force, could yield a light sabre like no ones business and had the most pimpin', vintage 70s hair this side of Topher Grace ... Whelps ... I think I have the answers:

- Luke Skywalker is gay
- I don't care if people think Luke was the hero, cause he wasn't. ... Anikan (Darth Vader) was the chosen one ... And in the end it was HE who brought balance to the force and fulfilled his destiny by throwing Emperor Palpatine down a big shiny hole. Luke was just there for the ride.
- Luke Skywalker is gay. (Or at least very dysfunctional ... The only chick he got to make out with in the series ... was his sister ...)
- Han Solo, on the other hand, gets to pilot the Millennium Falcon, a vehicle I wanted to drive even before I discovered the BMW M3
- Han Solo can speak Chewbaccan
- Solo hangs out with robots
- Finally, Solo gets to shag it up with hottie biscotti "oh my god I love your bikini in Episode V" Princess Leia ... ... who is *not* his sister.

If you think about it ... Even the actors went down career paths where guys would rather be Harrison Ford (Solo) rather than Mark Hamill (Skywalker) ...

- Harrison Ford did Indiana Jones, Blade Runner and gets to play the leading man in a gazillion roles where women half his age want his decrepit body ...
- Mark Hamill does Wing Commander, earns the respect of "Magic: The Gathering" card playing nerds ... Then does the voice for Joker on the Batman animated series ...

Solo wins.

Speaking of Star Wars ... Has anyone seen the trailer for Episode III? ... I think the special effects, fighting and overall story look good. ... The whole trailer actually looks good. ... Except for the end when they show Darth Vader. ... I dunno what it is ... They're locked into using the original costume from 1977 cause they can't exactly change the way he looks. ... Darth Vader looks CORNY. ... The stupid helmet ... The battery pack on the front of his chest? .... The cape? ... come ON. ... It may just ruin the movie for me cause I'll be laughing too hard. ... What was cool in 77 can't be brought into 2005 with all the great technology and fight scenes ... ... It just looks silly. ...

But I digress.

Wow. This has been a really nerdy post. ... I'm sure I lost all my cool concert friends and all manner of girls on this rant.

April 11, 2005 - Monday

--- To shampoo or not to shampoo ---

shampoo
Main Entry: 1sham·poo
Pronunciation: sham-'pü
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Hindi capo, imperative of capnA to press, shampoo
1 archaic : MASSAGE
2 a : to wash (as the hair) with soap and water or with a special preparation b : to wash the hair of
- sham·poo·er noun

Now take a look at the picture below:

Ever take the time to read the French labels? ... Shampoo in French is "Shampooing" ... ... This is funny for a number of reasons ...

- The word "shampooing" just looks funny. ... The French pronunciation is even funnier. ... "Sham-poo-aaehhnn"
- "Shampooing" has the word "pooing" in it ... Which is like a euphemism for taking a shit. ... poo-ing
- The full word shampooing is like the english verb shampoo. ... As in to shampoo. ...

Okay so I thought it was funny. ... No one else is laughing, huh? ... Maybe I'm really bored. ... Although today was a great Sunday. ... Beautiful weather, went out for a walk, good dinner with friends. ... Everyday should be Sunday with good weather and no work. ... (and every girl should be Jessica Alba with Korean guy fetish?) ... ... ... I tried, I tried.

April 05, 2005 - Tuesday

--- I didn't catch your name ---

When you're a kid, grandparents don't have names.

They're just "grandma" or "grandpa" ... ... Or I guess in my case they would be "hal-mu-nee" and "hara-bo-jee" in Korean. ... Regardless, when you're 6 and you talk to your granparents … they're magical. They're nameless. ... Right up until the day that you discover their real names. ... I always wonder when that is for most kids, cause I can't remember when it was for me. ...

It's in-line with my childhood belief that dogs and cats were the same species. ... I wrote about this in the blog once upon a few years ago. ... But I really thought that dogs and cats were the same species, with dogs being the males and cats the females. ... Looking back on my early childhood understanding, I can only laugh at the image that comes to mind: A German Shepard mounting a Siamese cat in a street back alley for some late night puppy meow-meow baby making. ...

It was only when I discovered poodles and lions that my theory started to break down. ...

Isn't it funny how kids learn? ... I think childhood education is less about our parents teaching us things, and more about our parents correcting our pre-conceived notions of the world around us. ... For instance, when I was 7 or 8, I learned about parachutes on TV. And how people could jump out of planes with an exploding backpack that housed a parachute that let them gracefully drift to the ground. ... So I set out to make my own parachute ...

.... out of a plastic Loblaws grocery bag. ....

I came away with a bruised knee, some minor cuts and scrapes ... ... and a fear of heights. ... To this day I won't step near the end of my apartment balcony. ...

April 01, 2005 - Friday

--- Fucking, Austria---

I really don't feel like blogging today ... So I won't ... ...

...

...

April fools!! ...

...

Okay so that wasn't so funny. ... But here's something that is: Below is a picture of an actual city sign of a city in Austria. ...

This, friends, is the welcome sign for the city of Fucking, Austria. The German writing on the sign with the children literally translates to: "Please, not so fast" ... ... Now I guess that makes sense. ... Don't drive too fast when passing through this town. ... Please think of the children. ... ... But when you put the town's name into context, it really just gets wrong. ... I think I coughed up my pleura laughing at this. ... Here, go to this website to get more details:

Fucking Austria

I wonder what "Fucking" means in German. ... I'm sure it's something sweet like: "Beautiful city in the mountains" .. or "Yoddle town" ... or ... "We breed hot young tennis girls here" ...

But then maybe "Toronto" means something altogether funny in German. ... And maybe there's a website out there making fun of us. ...