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| Jason Ahn ellipsis |
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I am Jack's Obssessive Compulsive Disorder... Aug. 30, 2006 - Wednesday --- as time ticks by... and still I try --- eat in = for here I've mastered the use of these UK English slang words. There's obviously tons more slang that I can't think of right now, but I'd like to think I know most of the basics. But from time to time I still get confronted with new and strange slang and look like a complete tourist when I misuse it or don't understand what someone's talking about. ... A work friend of mine (let's call him Kaleem Akhtar) has a strange habit of biting his headphone cord while he works and listens to music. When I first saw him do this, I asked him: "Are you eating your wire?" ... This question was met with laughter. ... I didn't understand what was so funny. I was genuinely asking him what he was doing, maybe even out of concern that he might electrocute himself whilst listening to Jay-Z. ... But then it dawned on me: wire = dick Aug. 29, 2006 - Tuesday --- takes 2 seconds to say goodbye --- Since the last post, I: Pictures will be up soon... possibly with stories. It all depends on how lazy I am. ... I uh... don't think I have anything else to say right now. Okay well, here, how about a lame (but funny-lame) joke? And the Lord said unto John; "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster-oven. Aug. 15, 2006 - Tuesday
Aug. 14, 2006 - Monday --- FedEx it --- Have you ever used craigslist to sell something? ... Well I just put up my computer on London craigslist, hoping that I could sell and get a more powerful computer. (GO NERDS!) ... I put it up this morning and have already had 3 people interested in buying it at the listed price! ... The fact that I jacked the price up just cause I knew people were gonna talk me down really made my day. ... But then things got fishy... All three of the people who responded told me they wanted to send me online money orders or even mail me paper money orders. Then all I'd have to do is go to Fedex and ship it to them on their account... meaning I don't even have to pay shipping. It all sounded way too good to be true. Turns out... it was. My buddy told me that there's these clans of people who send mass mails out to new craigslist members saying they want to buy. Then they send you a money order that looks legit. You send them the goods, and the money order they sent NEVER kicks in. ... The clans operate out of places like Nigeria and then get you to ship it to one of their contacts in the US. And basically you can never track them. ... The guy I almost sent my computer to was "Shawn Hamilton"... I bet his real name was something like Awoketu Booma-way... When I re-read the emails these clowns first sent me, it dawned on me that they never once mentioned my computer or any of the features. ... All the emails were some derivative of: "Hello, nice to meet you. I want to buy your stuff. Please send me pictures!" ... fawk. I am Jack's naive sense of naiveness with naive cherries on top. So the moral of the story is: ... Does anyone want to buy my computer? Aug. 13, 2006 - Sunday --- Now Playing --- People always ask other people: "what kind of girl/guy do you want?" ... And all the same boring traits start to come out: "funny, intellectual, exciting, calm, loud, quiet, hot, thin, voluptuous, short, tall, shorter-than-me, sensitive, Viking in bed, stoner, goth, nerdy ..." ... whatever whatever... Everyone has their tastes and a lot of those tastes are sorta common; everyone takes their preferences from the same bin. So am I weird? I want a girl that's "theatrical"... ... What's theatrical? ... Well... Imagine a girl who's every move and every moment is like it's from a movie. ... When she's sad, she sits by a window sill and smokes a cigarette staring outside at the rain. ... Or when she's happy it's like an ending scene from a Disney movie. ... And when she's really happy she's like the eldest girl from "Sound of Music" after getting kissed during the "I am 16 going on 17" song... ... I want a girl "theatrical" to the point that when she's walking down the street... it'd be like Natalie Portman in "Closer". ... Being with a girl like that would be like watching a perpetual movie! ... And I love movies. The moral of the story is: Re-watch Wayne's World if you get the chance. I'm watching it right now and it's hilarious... P.S. ... Aug. 10, 2006 - Thursday (s)he thinks enough Aug. 08, 2006 - Tuesday --- balls --- Wow... Three posts in three days. This calls for celebration! ... To commemorate three posts in a row, here are three great videos: Simpsons voices Some people watch Reality TV... I watch YouTube... Alright, celebration done, on to the post... Did you know there's a race car driver in the States named Jimmie Johnson? It's true, he's on NASCAR, or whatever it is those dumb hicks watch... Jimmie Johnson. What a name. How unfortunate/hilarious; both his first and last names are common toilet humour references for penis. ... His name is Penis Penis. .. That's scrotumly funnilicious... Just imagine what some of the sports news papers could write about him: ho ho... you say funny thing... Aug. 07, 2006 - Monday --- if the shoe fits --- Last weekend I bought a pair of shoes that fit. ... Now I'm not asking for a Nobel Prize or an Oscar or a Darwin award or anything. ... But last weekend, I bought a pair of shoes that actually fit! Most of the pairs of shoes I own have a little bit of room in the front. Usually a half size, sometimes even a full size (usually because the shoes were on super 80% off clearance sale and they didn't have my size, but I bought them anyway.) ... Point being, none of my shoes actually fit. Since coming to the UK, I've learned that they don't have half sizes. So when I went out to get a pair of shoes last weekend, I had to settle for a UK 9. (US 10 or 10.5 ... Don't ask me, I don't set the rules.) ... The UK 9 fit almost perfectly, but I felt uncomfortable with it cause it didn't have room. I wanted to go a size up. ... But then it hit me. There's only one reason why I'm conditioned to buy shoes that are slightly bigger than my feet: My feet used to grow. I always remember my mom complaining when I wanted to get the new Nike flights or the latest Reebok pumps cause she was shelling out 60 or 70 bucks for a pair of shoes that would only last 6 months. So her solution was to always make me buy a size up so I'd grow into them, thus increasing the shoe's life and maximizing the money spent. My feet used to grow. ... So every single shoe purchase I (my mom) made, would be a pair of shoes that felt big at the shoe store... My feet used to grow. ... Now obviously my feet stopped growing at some point, and obviously I started paying for my own shoes, too. But for the last probably 7 or 8 years, I've been buying shoes with this conditioned method to get a size up. ... My feet used to grow. ... It wasn't until last weekend that I realized if I get a pair of shoes that fit, they'll fit forever AND they'll be more comfortable. ... My god. ... My feet used to grow! Aug. 06, 2006 - Sunday --- firetruck --- What did you want to be when you grew up? ... I think a lot of kids have the same sorta ideas. Tons of boys want to grow up to be an athlete, or rock star or a super hero. ... Other kids want to emulate people who teach them things like their teachers or their sports coaches or even their parents. ... Some of the mature kids get to higher and loftier things like businessman or doctor. (Especially doctor if you're Asian ... rargh) ... And at some point, all normal boys want to be a fireman when they grow up. I guess I was a little different. Cause none of that stuff really appealed to me. ... ... The first person I ever wanted to be was Yan. ... Y'know, Yan from Wok with Yan, the Chinese cooking show. ... I must've been about 3 years old. And man did I love Yan. ... I thought he was so funny and such an amazing chef. ... His Chinese accent made me die laughing and I repeated everything he said while I watched. (My parents bore through this... sometimes they'd try to change the channel but then I'd go all baby-ballistic...) Yan was my hero. But then kindergarten started and I couldn't watch Yan anymore. And while half the boys at school wanted to be firemen, my aspirations had shifted to ... crossing guard. ... The crossing guard at the end of my street was so cool. ... He got to wear glow in the dark vests with loud bright colours, he got to carry around a big ass STOP sign. And cars had to stop for him cause he had authority. ... He was like a living traffic light and at the tender age of 5, I wanted to be a mutha fuckin' crossing guard (beeyotch). I think this erratic pattern probably carried itself all the way til the beginning of high school. And by then, teen angst had taken over and I didn't give a shit what I was when I grew up. ... I dunno if any of this is normal. But somehow I ended up with a fairly normal job. ... Makes me wonder about that smart kid who wanted to be a doctor. ... Maybe he's a typewriter maintenance guy or something... *gasp* ... Maybe he's the Iron chef! ... |
| Jason Ahn ellipsis |